The Blue Grotto

Manny Ramirez Plays With Bush Family Dogs During Red Sox's Entire White House Visit

February 28, 2008

WASHINGTON, DC — Although Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez was present for the official team visit to the White House, he did not meet the president due to being preoccupied with rolling on the Rose Garden lawn and playing tug-of-war with Barney, the Bush family's Scottish terrier, the Red Sox organization announced Wednesday. "Hey, perro! Perro! Come here! You want to play with Manny? Sure you do! Yes, you do! Hey! Come back!" Ramirez can be faintly heard to say in the background of the taped record of the ceremony, although cameras did not record Ramirez chasing the First Dog through the shrubbery or swinging the dog around in circles with Ramirez's sock clenched firmly in his jaw. Although Ramirez has posted photos of minor bites, supposedly inflicted by Barney, on his website, White House officials have dismissed the wounds as "just Barney being Barney."

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     Here's Manny posing with his neighbor's grill so the guy could sell it on Ebay:

Here Are Two Excellent Skymall Products. . . .

     Grotto friend Juan Seitz spends a lot of time on conference calls.  He always closes his office door, and my sources have found out why.  Most of the time, he is sitting in this, which he brings to work in his briefcase and inflates each morning:

     Sometimes, at the tail end of a stressful week, he can be found on speaker phone hooked up to this product:

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Heavily Starched Shirt Only Thing Keeping Larry King Upright

These Divers Are Totally Bumming. . . .

Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire

'Attaboy!' Says U.N.

April 23, 1997

KINSHASA, ZAIRE — In his greatest act of international heroism since alerting authorities of British Prime Minister John Major's fall down a deep well in 1993, "Houser," a big, lovable dog, brought peace and stability to the war-torn nation of Zaire Monday.

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Zairian refugees near Lake Kivu are led back home by Houser, a lovable dog.

Once pushed to the brink of mass starvation, genocide and chaos by rebel attempts to overthrow President Mobutu Sese Seko, Zaire is now a stable democracy, its warring factions united in their love for the cuddly, furry animal.

After solving the Zairian crisis, Houser wagged his big tail and barked triumphantly to the nation's once-warring factions, who laughed merrily and patted the shaggy canine on the head and back.

"He is a good boy," said Mobutu, who returned from exile to form a broad-based coalition government with rebel leader Laurent Kabila. "I love him so much." Mobutu then gave the dog what his advisors described as a "big hug."

Said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan: "Attaboy, Houser!"

Annan recalled Monday morning, when Houser came running into the U.N. intent on saving the day.

"At first, many of the diplomats were annoyed that the big dog came bounding into the General Assembly," Annan said. "The dog was running back and forth and barking very insistently."

"Houser was dripping wet," said Alexei Lukashenko of Belarus. "He was shaking himself and spraying water all over the delegates."

Austrian representative Gunter Hosch, who was delivering a speech advocating the passage of a U.N. resolution condemning human rights abuses in Honduras, paused mid-address to ask the dog, "What is it, boy?"

When the dog responded by barking even more insistently, many representatives began to make guesses as to what the dog was trying to say.

"Houser, have you been swimming in Old Man Seaver's pond again? We told you not to do that! Bad Houser!" Hosch told the dog.

The assembled delegates, unable to interpret Houser's frantic barking, were about to give up on the dog and have him removed when Angolan representative Goma Ndeti noticed he was carrying a handmade Zairian "Juju" doll in his mouth. "It was then I realized," Ndeti said, "that the water was not from Old Man Seaver's pond at all—he was wet from a swim across the Atlantic Ocean. The dog was trying to tell us something about Zaire."

Annan then put it to Houser: "Is it Zaire, boy? Is there some kind of trouble in Zaire?"

When Houser barked more loudly and at a higher pitch than before, those in attendance knew they had hit upon the right answer.

"What's that, Houser?" Annan continued. "Laurent Kabila and his rebel forces have seized much of the south and are headed toward Kinshasa? Come on, take us to them!"

According to U.N. command leader Edgar Nielsen, the dog led a 45-nation peacekeeping force to the city of Lubumbashi in Shaba Province, a key, mineral-rich region in southern Zaire which had fallen to the rebels. "It was tough keeping pace with the dog. He was so excited and running very quickly," Nielsen said. "But once we arrived in Lubumbashi, we dispersed troops and were able to bring stability to the area."

Nielsen said that for his great bravery and invaluable intelligence-gathering efforts, Houser was given a biscuit.

The dog then led troops to a badly ravaged encampment in central Zaire, where more than 500,000 Rwandan and Zairian refugees were dying of malnutrition and ebola. U.N. troops quickly airdropped medical supplies and food to the area. Nielsen noted that Houser saw to it personally that a young female dog to whom he had "taken a shine," was given a delicious bone.

Houser's owner, Tim, 10, was pleased with his dog's accomplishments in Zaire. "He's a good dog. And he's my best friend. I love him."

Here Are Some Actual Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers.

     Sent in by my cousin Ken, longtime Navy and Delta pilot.

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.             
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."! Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"                                          
                                                                           
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.                                  
                                                                           
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Here's Some Good Animal Wisdom.

Be generous.

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Take time to rest and enjoy the company of friends.

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Value, honor, and enjoy your family, no matter how strange:

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Help widows and orphans.

Be content with your lot in life.

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Remember, you were divinely created with a purpose.

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Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball

February 21, 2008

TUCSON—South African golfer Ernie Els followed an errant golf ball into the scrub woods of the Dove Mountain course rough Wednesday during the Accenture Match Play tournament and has now been missing for over 36 hours, PGA officials have announced. "Els went too long on the fifth hole and struck his ball into a dense stand of sage, creosote tree, and saguaro cactus from which both Els and his ball have yet to emerge," the PGA's Ana Laird told reporters, struggling to be heard over the drone of rescue helicopters combing the brush. "We are unsure if Els was carrying water, matches, or any of the survival equipment the PGA recommends our golfers take into the rough as a matter of routine, but we stress that he will not be in danger until 96 hours have passed, and will only be assessed a three-stroke penalty." Though no sign of Els has been found, rescuers investigating circling buzzards over the sand trap on the par 4 dogleg-right sixth hole fairway have found what they believe to be the desiccated remains of John Daly.

Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag

February 13, 2008

MAPLEWOOD, MO—Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.

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The disputed bag.

The afternoon was marred by sporadic fighting, according to reports, with opposing forces darting and then retreating in surprise attacks. Boswell held his position despite relentless onslaughts from Johnson, who repeatedly batted the controversial bag along the ancient linoleum surface. By the end of the day, neither side displayed any intention to halt reprisals without the other first relinquishing claims and pulling out permanently—an outcome those close to the fighting called "unlikely at best."

"What people unfamilar with the history here must understand is that this seemingly empty and barren paper bag has rapidly become the third most important site in the area after the scratching post in the living room and the breakfast-nook windowsill," former CIA analyst Brian Haddox said. "Not only is it seen by both Boswellist and Johnsonian interests as a crucial location for establishing territorial control in the kitchen-floor region, but it also makes a crumpling sound that both sides find irresistible."

Added Haddox, "Unfortunately, hostilities have destabilized this already tenuous peace at least until nap time."

The bag, a brown paper grocery bag from Stop & Shop with no prior claims of cat ownership attached to it, became the center of a wide-scale power play when Boswell seized control of its highly contested interior, and occupied the disputed area for approximately 30 seconds. Following immediate Johnsonian reprisals, Boswell unleashed a barrage of swats, but failed to secure a position in the bag.

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Boswell (above) and Johnson (below)

Reports from the ground indicated that Johnson, once in possession of the perimeter region up to the cat dish, was forced in the early afternoon to retreat to the green rug zone, where he licked his paws with apparent disinterest for an estimated 10 minutes. Without warning, Johnson then launched a full-frontal assault on Boswell's forces, pouncing from behind and eventually chasing his rival all the way to the bathroom sink. The heavy leaping and grappling was broken only by periods of intense mutual licking. At one point, the conflict escalated into full-fledged upside-down kicking of each other in the face before Boswell was distracted by an errant ball rolling across the floor, bringing the factions to an uneasy standstill.

Despite the intensity of the fighting, no serious injuries were reported.

"People in the middle of this have tried everything they can to quell the violence, including bringing in a second bag, but nothing has worked," said U.N. investigator Caroline Olivera, adding that many residents were furious at the combatants for knocking over and destroying a prized vase in November. "It is beginning to appear that any long-term solution may have to involve deployment of the disciplinary squirt bottle."

According to International Red Cross worker Etienne Zervudacki, there was a temporary lull in the violence when both factions shifted their attention to a nearby can of tuna, craning their necks and licking their lips in apparent unity before eventually returning to the battle. While the short-lived truce was hopeful, Zervudacki said, it was a fragile pact that ignored the true causes of dilemma.

"The biggest shame here is that these two sides are so entrenched in their differences that they don't realize they are brothers," said Zervudacki, noting that even though both parties were reportedly curled up together on the sofa at press time, violence would likely break out again tomorrow. "If it's not the paper bag, it will be something else, like aluminum foil, toy mice, or plastic rings from two-gallon milk jugs."

How About This Guy?

2007 "Husband of the Year" Awards. . .

     Thanks to Drew S. for these:

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From Greece:

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From Serbia:

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From Ireland:

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Honorable Mentions:

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The Blue Grotto: Your Source for Interior Design Gossip

     The Grotto's Interiors Dept. has started to hear rumors surrounding the decorating plan for the swanky new Amorosi bachelor pad in Manhattan.  Apparently, the whole place will be furnished with items from the SkyMall catalog. 

     Here is an item we've learned will end up on the wall of the "Man Room":

 

Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain

 

February 15, 2008

TOKYO, HONG KONG, SEOUL — Asian stocks closed one of the worst and most mournfully reflective months on record last week, with the falling American dollar negatively impacting trade volume and causing the markets to drift, like the faded cherry petals of spring blossoms, downward towards the shadowed sea of burgeoning recession, Eastern market analysts warned Monday.

"Our worst monthly drop; rate cuts make investors flee—to commodities," Nikkei Index vice commissioner Fukako Mishima said, claiming job creation by Mitsubishi, Kawasaki Heavy Industries, and Sony failed to provide confidence in a market already as skittish as the aging husband of a teenage bride, forcing investors to shore up cash reserves with orders of durable goods and agricultural products. "Fading dollar's gleam, a feeble warning beacon: Seek bellies of pork."

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Currency devaluation reflects silently on still and glassy water.

Hong Kong reported similar woes. Analysts there said the slow chrysanthemum's bloom of gains from foreign investment had entered a season of cold mists that sent tendrils creeping, creeping among the reeds, stagnant equity, and low-hooting owls from which nothing but fever, longing, and gradually downgraded credit ratings were expected to result.

By the end of trading Monday, the Hong Kong dollar was trading at .13 USD, close to a record low, and currency brokers were exchanging subtle barbs and veiled insults as do former lovers. Volume was only moderate in both cases.

"Our speculation economy was spring wine to those who believed the Middle Kingdom could support an emerging middle class, and that while American and European currency stimulated growth, all would prosper," said Jin Fusen, an executive investment director for ING at the Hong Kong bourse. "But it seems that we were attempting to ascend to the Monkey King's Heaven by treading upon a bridge cunningly crafted of obedient birds; and lo! In our haste, one foot falls too heavily; now through a clouded sky, roiled with feathers and harsh cries of alarm, we plummet."

In addition, durable-goods inventories gathered dust in Asian warehouses while salesmen sought buyers, and buyers sought more favorable credit, and all concerned adopted the aspect of a light-thirsting silk moth wavering between the cold celestial glory of a waxing moon and the sudden treacherous heat of the lantern's flame.

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Portents of great woe appeared in the Hong Kong stock exchange last week.

"At sun's crimson dawning, storm grumbles, mounting, ripples of the sky and sea reflected in late trading," said Lee Woo-hyun, a strategist at Kyobo Securities in Seoul who had warned bankers in 2004 that the American real estate bubble was as artificially inflated and volatile as a gaily painted pig's bladder played with by dust-covered street urchins. "Now the rain comes, from trees striking leaf and blossom both, uncaring. Not to mention gold will soon crest $950 U.S. an ounce as I grow old without grandsons."

Still, some traders refuse to be affected by the gloom that hovers over the Eastern markets like mulberry smoke over an autumn hearth, maintaining that dramatic market corrections in an era of increasing globalization are only to be expected.

"Panic's first impulse: Fear freezes traders solid, whispers of rate cuts. Quick fix attempted, the currency devalued…instability!" Morningstar Japan's Hideyuki Suzuki intoned. "But putting our trust in rate cuts won't work in the long term, and blind faith in the overprotective vertical structure of the zaibatsu system is simply wrong.

"The plain fact is, we have to break the rigid pattern of 5 percent market drop, 7 point rate cut, 5 percent market rise, which has become almost an Asian stereotype, and start looking elsewhere for inspiration."

"What Asian businessmen are being forced to realize is that we have to adopt a more global, perhaps even a more Western, way of thinking," Suzuki added. "Two financial roads are about to diverge, and we must take the one less traveled by. When the books close on fiscal 2008, it may make all the difference."

You Gotta Hand It to These "Criminals of Limited Stature."

 

Secret Service Not Sure If That Suit Of Armor Was In Oval Office Yesterday

June 15, 2005

Special Patriots-Giants Matchup Graphic!

   

Who's the Creepiest of Them All?

     I strolled into a Barnes & Noble a few days ago and glanced at the selections on one of those common-themed tables near the front.  This particular display seemed to be showcasing the most exciting new diet and "wellness" titles.  (Question: When did we switch from the perfectly accurate term "health" to the fancier "wellness?"  I'm sure some very serious person with a Ph.D in a non-subject like "educational linguistics" came up with it and presented it at a conference in Orlando, at which point his colleagues all nodded gravely and thought they'd better get onboard.)

     Here are three of the most prominently-displayed titles.  Please rank these fellows in order of creepiness:

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This Basedow guy's been on the Grotto before:

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This guy likes to wear a little bit of tasteful eye makeup:

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This guy likes to promote an image of "Hey, I work hard and exercise and eat well, but I'm also laid-back, cool, and relaxed, as you can tell by my comfortable yet attractive skin-tight shirt."

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And then this poor guy had a book on a nearby table (yes, it's a dude):

By Now You've Heard of the SocGen $7 Billion Rogue Trader. . .

. . . and it looks like authorities are establishing some of the pyschological motives for his reckless behavior (thanks to CFC IV for this):

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FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
   

     FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

     Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh croissant. Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

     One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't
on strike.

     "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on
the photocopier."

     As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

     At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

     Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop
being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.

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Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing

January 25, 2008

ITHACA, NY—A new study conducted by the Cornell Institute for Behavioral and Social Sciences has found what researchers believe to be a demonstrable link between being struck with a banana cream pie and a sudden, significant drop in one's public standing.

"What we have observed is nothing short of astounding," Dr. Philip Shaw, a human sciences professor at Cornell and the study's lead researcher, said Monday. "By having cream-topped pies forcibly applied to their faces—or kissers—men and women of high regard were seen to immediately fall in both status and esteem."

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A banana cream pie much like the ones used in the study.

"Whether the subjects were wealthy shopkeepers, pompous barons of British descent, or matronly women sporting tiny opera glasses—our results were always the same," Shaw added.

The study, which was conducted with the help of 25 dignified members of the aristocracy and three rather clumsy butlers, showed a direct correlation between unexpected contact with the custard-based stimulus and a loss of social stature—including the respect of bystanders, the affections of untold gentlewomen, and any possibility of securing a sizable donation for one's struggling playhouse.

Even more surprisingly, results showed that the drop in standing took place in mere seconds and not over the course of many weeks, as is generally needed for adjusting an individual's hierarchical status.

"Upon each pie's delivery, we were able to detect a 12 pecent decline in both privilege and hubris," said Shaw, who conducted further experiments on the airborne dessert phenomenon in a highly controlled masquerade-ball setting. "However, much to our surprise, a host of secondary factors—such as the angular velocity at which the pies were thrown, the length of time they stuck to a participant's face before sliding off, and whether they were accompanied by the honking of a loud bicycle horn—also affected the overall reputation of our subjects."

Timing was also cited as being pivotal by Shaw, who said that the sequence of introducing a pie into the face of an elderly countess, giving her time to clear the cream from the eyes and mouth, and then administering a second pie into her face generated the sharpest descent in stature.

"Response to the delivery of the pies was generally varied among participants, although we did observe nearly 15 separate threats of 'Why, I oughtta…' and roughly six distinct cries of 'Well, I never!'" Shaw said.

A 12-minute black-and-white video recording released by the researchers documented some of the more acute reactions to face-first pie contact, including the rapid emission of compressed steam from a participant's ears† and, on three separate occasions, a fast-motion but ultimately unsuccessful chase around an elegant dinner table between participant and researcher.

Isolated incidents of a cream pie causing one's dickey to fly up into one's face were also reported.

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Though the long-term effects of Shaw's pie experiment are still unclear, a number of the subjects registered a strong psychological reaction within moments of completing the study.

"Why, I cannot remember the last time I was so insulted in all my life," said socialite Thomas DuBottomer, who on day four of the study ducked an oncoming cream pie only to have it land square in the face of a passing police officer. "I demand an apology, you troublemaking so-and-so!"

Shaw's report is not the first of its kind. Four years ago, a Princeton study attempted to measure the effects of discharged seltzer water on one's reputation; and in 2005, scientists determined that slipping on a discarded fruit skin, rolling down a circular flight of stairs, and landing face-first into an awaiting cart of horse manure could be definitively linked to being fired from a board of bank trustees.

Though the report has yet to be published in any major journals, Shaw has defended his team's research.

"I strongly believe our study to be of the utmost importance," Shaw announced at a conference of behavioral scientists in Chicago on Tuesday. "Whether others approve or disapprove of it is not my concern. We are serving a greater purpose here, a higher purpose. What we have accomp—"

The outspoken Shaw was thereupon struck with a banana cream pie, his opinions at once rendered completely irrelevant.

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Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'

January 23, 2008

CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge."

"My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president," said Clinton, introducing his wife at a "Hillary '08" rally. "For seven agonizing years, I have sat idly by as others experienced the joys of campaigning, debating, and interacting with the people of this great nation, and I simply cannot take it anymore. I have to be president again. I have to."

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"Damn, this feels good," Clinton told supporters as he shook hands in Charleston Monday.

He continued, "It is with a great sense of relief that I say to all of you today, 'Screw it. I'm in.'"

In a show of respect, Clinton then completed his introduction of Hillary Clinton, calling her a "wonderful wife and worthy political adversary," and warmly shook her hand as she approached the podium. A clearly shocked Mrs. Clinton got halfway through her speech about the nation's obligation to its children before walking briskly offstage.

A spokesman for Sen. Clinton's campaign had no comment.

"No longer will I have to endure watching candidates like Hillary Clinton engaging in single-pump handshakes with voters, as I use every last ounce of restraint not to shout out, 'No! Warm double-clasp! Warm double-clasp!'" Clinton said. "America deserves someone who can do it right."

While the announcement has come as a surprise to many, Beltway observers said it was not completely unexpected, citing footage from a recent Democratic debate that showed Clinton fidgeting in his seat, gripping the arms of his chair, and repeatedly glancing at all the television cameras while rapidly tapping his right foot. Analysts also noted one debate in which Clinton mouthed responses to all the moderator's questions while making hand gestures to himself.

Clinton told reporters Tuesday that seeing so many "Clinton '08" posters "really got [him] thinking," and said that the fact that he was already wearing a suit, and smiling and waving on the campaign trail was an added motivator.

"From signing healthcare reform legislation, to working with politicians from across the aisle, to brokering international peace treaties with foreign dignitaries, I goddamn love being president," Clinton said. "For too long has this nation been deprived of a Bill Clinton presidency, and for too long have I been deprived of being president. Now I get to experience all these wonderful things again myself."

"And the applause," Clinton added. "I look forward to the endless roar of applause perhaps most of all."

Since his announcement two days ago, Clinton has raised a staggering $550 million. He has also surged in national polls, rising from a mere 2 percent prior to his candidacy to a commanding 94 percent, ahead of former front-runners Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, who are now tied with 3 percent each. John Edwards withdrew from the race Tuesday, saying only, "I am not worthy."

Although some have pointed out that it is unconstitutional for Clinton to run for a third term in office, he has silenced most critics by urging voters "not to worry about the Constitution for now" and assuring them he will address those legal issues immediately after regaining control of the White House.

"All I am asking of the American people is four more years," Clinton said at a fundraiser Tuesday where tens of thousands of South Carolinians gathered to stare in gape-jawed wonderment at the former president. "Well, maybe eight. Actually, you know what, definitely eight. Eight more years."

Thus far, the response among voters has been positive.

"I love Bill Clinton," said Orangeburg, SC resident Marsha Demarais. "God, he was just so great as president. Can we just make him president again right now?"

Clinton also noted that, if elected, the timing would be perfect for his family, as his wife has recently expressed a desire to move back to the D.C. area.

On the Campaign Trail with Dennis Kucinich. . .

     Thanks to Grotto political analyst Terry B. for alerting the Blue Grotto's Election '08 Nerve Center to this:

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Here Are a Handful of Headlines. . . .

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Overweight Cyclist Walking His Bike For Rest Of Tour De France

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Hank Williams Jr. Honored By Institute For Football Preparedness

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Excercise Ball All The Way Over There

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Congressman Lets His Guitar Do The Talking

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Depressed Wolf Blitzer Locks Self In Situation Room

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Local Building Accessible To Only The Strongest Of The Handicapped

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Loveless Marriage Offset By Beautiful Four-Bedroom Home

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2008 Election Joke of the Day!

As President Clinton was walking along the shores of the Potomac river one day, his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to expose the label. Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge genie appeared.  

"Thank you, oh thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in. I've been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of years. As an expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."

Mr. Clinton, being a statesman and former world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in the Mideast!" he quickly replied.

The genie seemed a little confused. "Mideast ... Mideast ... I can't seem to remember... can you help me out a little?

The former President quickly sent his secret service agents to get a world map and have it brought over to the genie and he carefully points out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area.

The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yeah. Now I remember. The Mideast! Whew. That's a tough one. You know, they've been fighting over there quite literally for millennia. I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle. I'm sorry Mr. Clinton. Can you wish for something else?"

Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think of only one other wish and says: "Could you make the American people like my wife?"

The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map again."

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include financial advisors (73%), retail sales (72%), the automotive industry (70%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled--banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

NFL Meteorologists Warn Steaming Black-Guy Heads Occurring Later Every Year

     Brett Favre: "Listen, I don't know anything about climate change, but I'd hate to see my daughters grow up in a world where steaming black-guy heads are just something you see on ESPN Classic."

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December 6, 2007

NEW YORK — Steaming black-guy heads, the traditional sign of approaching winter for generations of football fans, have been occurring later in the season with every passing year, a fact that may be evidence of a climatic change with long-term effects on football itself, top scientists in the meteorological department of the National Football League said in a study released Monday.

"The phenomenon of weather-related African-American supracranial vaporous emission, or 'Steaming Black-Guy Heads,' as it is colloquially known, occurs when cold dry winter  air comes into contact with hot, humid, shaven heads of football players, causing their personal water vapor to condense and rise on a column of heated air," the statement read in part. "It is then observed by network cameramen, who overwhelmingly choose to film African-American players due to the dramatic contrasts that result—especially when the player in question is backlit—and beamed to millions of households during time-outs, replay reviews, and other stoppages of play. The viewers then realize that winter has come to America."

"However, film review reveals that steaming black-guy heads, which during the 1970s were commonplace in mid-September, have in recent years not been sighted until the weeks after Thanksgiving," the statement continued. "Although further study is definitely called for, we conclude that the pronounced trend for steaming black-guy heads to occur progressively later every year—coupled with the phenomenon of giant triangles of ass-sweat persisting well into November—is a possible indication of a slowly warming climate across the entire NFL."

League commissioner Roger Goodell was not available for comment, saying that, although early-season instances of steaming black-guy heads were obviously preferable, the NFL had no official stance on climate change, global warming, or other meteorological phenomena that did not directly affect the scheduling or outcome of games.

Reaction among coaches and players has been mixed.

"When I came into the league with Tampa Bay, steaming black-guy heads were everywhere in October," said longtime NFL veteran and current Carolina Panthers quarterback Vinny Testaverde. "The Bucs were in the NFC Central back then, and we played in Chicago and Green Bay a lot, and to me, they always meant Halloween was coming. But these days, the rookies think of them as the first sign of Christmas. You can't tell me that's not global warming."

"Early on in my career, I saw them a lot, even in September," said Packers quarterback Brett Favre, who still has fond memories of the steaming heads of such Packer greats as Sterling Sharpe, LeRoy Butler, and Reggie White. "But this year we only started getting them just this week, and it's December already. Listen, I don't know anything about climate change, but I'd hate to see my daughters grow up in a world where steaming black-guy heads are just something you see on ESPN Classic."

NFL climatologist Lee Orfordson, one of the authors of the report, advised caution among those worried about the dwindling instances of steaming black-guy heads around the league.

"Remember that there are more domed stadiums now, that Northern-tier teams are being scheduled for more away games in Southern-tier cities during the winter months, and above all, that steaming black-guy heads are a single, if dramatic, phenomenon," Orfordson said. "There are plenty of numbers still to crunch here before we can say the steaming black-guy head has gone the way of the dodo."

Still, for generations of fans for whom steaming black-guy heads were an important symbol of seasonal change, the announcement has inspired a definite feeling of foreboding.

"I was the very first of the steaming black-guy heads," said former Raider defensive end Otis "The Grandfather Of All Steaming Black-Guy Heads" Sistrunk, whose own vigorously steaming head was noted by ABC color man Alex Karras in the early autumn of 1974 and began a winter-onset sideline-camera tradition that continues to this day. "And I'm very, very proud of that. I just hope I don't live to see the last."

"Good Boy!" Gift Idea. . .

     Present this becoming sweater to your four-legged best friend on Christmas and see how grateful he is!  From the Orvis catalog:

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Fisherman’s Cable Knit Dog Sweater

$39.00

Keep your dog warm in a classic cable knit sweater designed just for him. Perfect for warming up after a run, brisk swim, or bath time, our turtleneck sweater stretches to make it easy to put on and take off. Plus, it’s easy to clean—just machine wash. In ivory. Acrylic. Washable. Imported.
Sizes: small (18"-20" long; 21" girth), medium (24" long; 26" girth), large (28" long; 32" girth), x-large (34" long; 38" girth).

Evolution 101: Liberals and Conservatives. . .

     Thanks to Trish B. for this:

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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups - Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Ø Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

Report: Everyone in Hollywood Great Friends

October 26, 2007

LOS ANGELES — A study released today by the University of California, Los Angeles is sending shockwaves through the social, behavioral, and publicity sciences, after finding that everyone in Hollywood is close personal friends with everyone else in Hollywood.

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Cameron Diaz, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Denzel Washingon all gather for a game of Monopoly at Tony Hopkins' place, like they do every Sunday.

"The evidence shows that our nation's show-business capital is a town of virtually boundless goodwill and camaraderie, where the backstabbing, ego-rivalry, and grudge-holding common to the rest of society do not exist," said UCLA sociology professor Gina Carlisle, lead author of the five-year, 700-page study. "The entire region is a veritable utopia of deep, abiding interpersonal affection and mutual respect."

Additionally, the report found that 98 percent of Hollywood residents "love [their friends'] work."

The findings, published this month in the journal American Psychologist, were based on information culled from DVD commentary tracks, promotional junket footage, talk show appearances, more than 1,500 behind-the-scenes magazine profiles, and hundreds of poolside cocktail party conversations.

"I love David Caruso," said Caruso's CSI: Miami costar Khandi Alexander, one of thousands of celebrity best friends quoted in the study. "He's just a great guy—always joking around on the set, making the crew laugh, and just being an all-around wonderful person. At first I thought it would be intimidating to work with such an iconic star, but after a few days, I thought of him as a great friend."

But the intense friendships that run through the Hollywood community also extend to those beyond the red-carpet elite, the study found. 

"Even persons with relatively limited connections to the Hollywood hierarchy, such as caterers and valet attendants, regularly cited such A-list celebrities as George Clooney as their 'good friends,'" said UCLA's Carlisle, who herself described Clooney as "a friend." "No one is excluded from the near-universal circle of intimacy and brotherhood that surrounds the city."

"It is a truly egoless culture," she added.

According to the study, friendships formed in Hollywood are stronger, more passionate, and more meaningful than any friendships yet measured.

"While we were making Transformers, the whole cast and crew were like family," actress Megan Fox said in an Access Hollywood episode cited by the study. "I would totally love to work with those people again if the decision is ever made to do a sequel. That's how much those friendships mean to me."

Hollywood friendships are also longer lasting, researchers found.

Producer Gil Netter, also quoted in the study, expressed these sentiments about some of his many best friends: "When we did Dude [Where's My Car?], Ashton [Kutcher], Jennifer [Garner], and Seann [William Scott] were just on the verge of exploding. Since then, they've all become much bigger stars, but to me they're still just the same great friends of mine they always were."

The study's authors say if research continues, the principles of social interaction found in Hollywood could, one day, serve as an example to the rest of humanity of how to live together in harmony and universal love.

"Bad-mouthing others' work, looking down on those who earn less money than oneself, making insulting assumptions about the amount of plastic surgery others have had—none of these things happen in Hollywood," Carlisle said. "It is a city of total and unconditional respect, both for the integrity of everyone's creative endeavors, and for everyone personally, as human beings."

Added Carlisle: "If every community could interact with the same genuine compassion and goodwill that Hollywood has somehow achieved, the world would be a much better place."

Here Are Some Words of Wisdom. . . .

     Thanks to Trish B. for these:

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

"Lure Manny Ramirez Away from Ballpark with Succulent Ham"

     This one's a few weeks late, but definitely worth a post. . . .

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Overfunded Public School Forced To Add Jazz Band

November 14, 2006

MANALAPAN, NJ — Benjamin Harrison Middle School faculty members regretfully announced Tuesday that, despite their best efforts to prevent it, the school simply had too much state and federal funding to avoid adding a jazz ensemble to its music program.

"We did not want it to come to this," principal David DeCarlo said after introducing students to Mr. Metheny, an award-winning jazz guitarist and the new school music teacher. "The children are the ones who are going to suffer. Especially little Sammy Orlovsky, who will have to play those drums where instead of using drumsticks you tap the cymbals with tiny brushes."

The school plans to use its remaining $22.1 million budget to add a sculpture wing to the art department, triple janitors' salaries, and purchase a second computer.

New Hallmark Line Addresses Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Fall Classes for Men. . .

     Thanks to Lindsey B. for sending along this one to the Blue Grotto Continuing Education Department:

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Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING Center

Class 1:  How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Class 2:  The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Class 3:  Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Class 4:  Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Class 5:  Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.

Class 6:  Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Class 7:  Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Class 8:  Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Class 9:  Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials.

Class 10:  Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.

Class 11: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Class 12:  How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Class 13:  The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.  Live Demonstration.

Beaver Can't Wait To Get Started On Dam

I Try to Keep Repeat Posts to a Minimum, But Here Are a Couple of Cat-Themed Ones. . . .

     First, I present a furious cat, positively seething with an all-consuming, burning desire for revenge on his owner:

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Then, of course, there's this (I love the epaulets, despite the fact that cats have no shoulders):

War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General

July 27, 2005

World Series Flyover Turns Out To Be Full-Scale Airstrike

October 25, 2007

BOSTON — Chaos and destruction marred the opening of the World Series when Air Force B-52 bombers scheduled to make a ceremonial flight over the stadium before the start of Game 1 instead executed a series of low-level carpet-bombing runs and dropped an estimated 500 tons of incendiary and high-explosive munitions, utterly destroying Boston's historic Fenway Park. "It was horrifying—I was expecting four or five planes, but they just kept coming over the right-field stands, and suddenly the sky was full of bombs," said Anthony DiSilva, a Boston fireman who was in attendance with his wife and two sons when the first wave of aircraft targeted the ballpark. "When they hit, the earth just convulsed… I saw gouts of fire erupt from the stands, watched the Sox dugout collapse like a kicked anthill, and then we were engulfed in sheets of flame. It's a miracle no one was hurt." The Air Force has issued an apology for the oversight and is sending disaster relief personnel to help the grounds crew prepare the park for Game 2.

Rockies Complain About 'Thick' Fenway Park Air

October 25, 2007

BOSTON—Although Colorado players, managers, and coaches said they would not issue a formal complaint about the playing conditions in Boston, the Rockies have gone on record as saying the "thick, soupy sea-level air" in the city made it unusually difficult for them to play baseball. "Seriously, I can barely push my bat through this stuff," said Rockies slugger Matt Holliday, who collapsed and had to be administered less oxygen after Wednesday's practice. "I was hitting them as hard as I could out there and the ball was still returning to the earth. We might as well be playing in quicksand." Other Rockies players were equally vocal in their criticism of the hostile atmosphere in Boston, with Kaz Matsui claiming he found it hard to slide through the viscous air and Willie Taveras aggravating a recent thigh injury while attempting to stand up quickly.

Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5

October 25, 2007

BOSTON — Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona announced Tuesday that the Colorado Rockies would receive a healthy dose of pitcher Josh Becket during the 2007 World Series, saying that the ALCS MVP would start games one, four, seven, two, six, three, and five, in that order. "I don't think this should come as a real shock to anyone," Francona told reporters, adding that with this schedule, Beckett should get "more than enough rest" between games one and four, which would allow him to be at maximum strength for games seven, two, and, if necessary, six, three, and the crucial fifth game. "Looking at the pitchers I have at my disposal, this gives us the best chance to win." According to Francona, Beckett should also be ready to pitch in late-inning relief of himself in games four and six, close games seven and three, and pitch on three hours rest if needed.

With Great Suit Comes Great Responsibility

 

Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

October 18, 2007

LOS ANGELES — Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."

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Detective Roger "Apeshit" McAdams is one of the 34 loose cannons, screwballs, head cases, and real grade-A hard-asses recently suspended from active duty at Los Angeles' 77th Precinct.

The police officers have been subjected to scathing public criticism over the years for their tendency to play by their own rules, which include refusing to obtain warrants, beating up junkies to extract information, and hurling corrupt city officials through plate-glass windows on more than 60 occasions.

"I called those sons of bitches into my office one by one and made them hand over their badges and guns," Los Angeles Police Department chief William J. Bratton said. "I know deep down that McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to shape up or ship out. Same goes for Conroy, McAdams, Peterman, Black, Grimwald, Tobias, Keating, and McAllister."

"Also Cobb, Williams, Miller, Sanchez, Rutgers, Grodinger, Spencer, Smith, Anderson, Garcia, Walker, Thompson, Nelson, Collins, Ellroy, Morris, Coleman, Gibson, Payne, Matthews, Gonzalez, Jacobs, Hoffman, Walters, and Hopkins," Bratton added.

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates. The 34 officers have caused an estimated $98 million in property damage over two decades, and the LAPD has reportedly received 1,239 citizen complaints about their conduct this summer alone. In addition, each of the suspended officers has suffered nonfatal bullet wounds to the left shoulder.

Despite their many infractions, precinct commander Thomas Henderson defended the officers as "the best damn men on the whole force."

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Detective Sonny "Mad Dog" Grodinger

"I don't always necessarily agree with their cockeyed methods, but, I've got to admit, they get results," Henderson said. "And they save the department thousands in chair costs by sitting on the corners of their desks."

The suspensions leave the 77th Precinct virtually depleted of staff. The shortage is compounded by the recent tragic loss of the 34 suspended officers' partners, who were reportedly gunned down in warehouses across the city while doing something brave.

According to internal affairs investigator Lee Birk, the officers have not filed a single police report in 10 years, routinely shoot out the tires of double-parked cars, and have punched out 232 paid police informants who, they later explained, made them "want to puke."

"They destroyed every single squad car and helicopter in the department and ruined the annual policeman's ball more than once," Birk said. "If they didn't prevent the terrorists from blowing up City Hall, they would have all been out on their collective asses."

The officers' darkest moment reportedly came in November 1992, when they shot and killed three dozen children who darted out of a dark alley holding toy guns. Following the incident, Henderson traveled to the San Pedro, CA marina where all 34 officers docked their houseboats. He found them passed out with bottles of Wild Turkey in their left hands and .44-caliber Magnum handguns in their right.

"I dragged every one of those sorry bastards into the shower myself, brewed 28 gallons of coffee, and made them drink it. By the time I was done, it was 3 a.m. and I was completely exhausted, but I got them back on the right track," Henderson said.

City Council candidate Bernard Lawry angrily condemned the rogue officers during a speech at a fundraiser at the Getty Center Monday evening.

"These men are a scourge on our society, and there is no place for this kind of behavior," Lawry said.

Seconds later, the suspended detectives burst into the room, exposed Lawry as the ringleader of an underground child prostitution ring, and escorted him to an awaiting police van in 34 pairs of handcuffs.

For their role in apprehending Lawry, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa rewarded the officers with a mass promotion to police lieutenant. But in the ceremony at City Hall Tuesday, the officers all turned down their promotions by simultaneously throwing their lieutenant's bars to the ground.

"Get that damn thing out of my face," Detective Bruce Walker said as he and his 33 colleagues shoved TV news cameras out of their way. "I've got work to do."

No Caption Needed for This One. . .

Greenpeace Releases Rescued Dolphins Into Forest

Check Out These Strong-Willed Drivers Cutting Off Their Noses to Spite Their Faces. . . .

 

Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag

     This Onion article takes the cake.  It could have been written by my family's most recent dog, Piper, an awkward, clumsy, loveable mishmash of black lab, Doberman, and Edward Gorey's Doubtful Guest.  Before Piper, we had the most beautiful golden retriever ever, and I'm sure that Piper's self-esteem issues were only worsened by knowledge of this.

     The Onion nails it as usual.  For example:  "Without lifting his head from his paws, Buster turned his eyes to the shelf above the dryer. . ."  You know how dogs always do that? 

 

March 2, 2005

KANSAS CITY, MO — Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live up to the standard set by the show-quality golden retriever on the Purina Dog Chow bag.

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Buster eyes the competition.

"I try as hard as I can," said Buster, lying on his blanket in the entryway of the Hopkins-family home. "I welcome [Buster's owner] Gerald [Hopkins] home every night with lots and lots of barks and leaps. And when he sits down in his chair to read, I lie quietly at his feet. Still, when I see that dog on the Dog Chow bag, I feel like I'm nothing."

Without lifting his head from his paws, Buster turned his eyes to the shelf above the dryer, where the trim and muscular golden retriever on the 40-pound bag of Purina Dog Chow bounded across a green lawn.

According to Buster, the dog is almost certainly American Kennel Club-certified.

"Look at that coat," Buster said. "Thick and soft... And his color! Varying shades of rich and lustrous gold. As for me, I'm sort of a rough, dull black, and I know it. I've known it since I figured out that the strange, scentless dog in the mirror is me. Ever since then...well, I try my best not to whine, but it's hard to live with the fact that I will never measure up."

"It didn't take two vets to piece together what breed that dog was," Buster added.

Buster admitted that not one member of the Hopkins family has ever compared him unfavorably to the dog on the food bag.

"But I know what they must be thinking," Buster said, baring his teeth to reveal two misaligned incisors. "Just look at this messed-up bite. The kids hug me when they feed me, but over their shoulders, I can see Golden Boy over there, staring down at me from the Purina bag."

Buster said his worst days are those when a family member forgets to return the Purina bag back to the shelf after feeding him.

"Oh, I go positively crazy," Buster said, pausing to gnaw a spot on his left hindquarter. "He's right there, staring me down, eye to eye, all day long. The only way I can get away from his strong nose and bright eyes is to put my own head in the bag. And, you know how it is, once you smell the kibble, you can't help but eat all of it... And then there's no question about it: I'm the worse dog."

Added Buster: "No, the dog on that bag would never eat himself sick and then make a mess on the floor."

Buster noted the gracefulness of the golden retriever's movements.

"Aw Jeez, look at him go," Buster said. "I can't even shamble up the stairs without tripping. That dog looks so confident and intelligent. Meanwhile, I still fall for the old fake stick toss half the time."

A fit, attractive woman in her 30s accompanies the golden retriever on the Dog Chow bag. According to Buster, the tall, upright-walking woman looks uncannily like his owner's wife.

"I look at the bag, and I think, 'That looks like Susan, all right, but that dog sure doesn't look like me,'" said Buster, a hint of a growl in his throat. "I have to wonder if Susan sees the bag and thinks the same thing. When we're out on walks, is she embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"I love my human family with all my heart," Buster added. "They deserve the dog from that bag."

Elaine Thannum, a noted animal behaviorist and author of The Breeding Myth, said that idealized media images contribute to self-esteem problems among pets.

"Unfortunately, the inadequacy Buster is feeling is common among normal, everyday dogs," Thannum said. "No matter how much their families love them, regular dogs can't help but be affected by the unrealistic images shoved down their throats by dog-food companies like Purina, Cycle, and Iams. Dogs like Buster need to understand that if they were to meet the supposedly perfect animals they see on the food bag, they'd see and smell dogs with a lot of the same problems they have."

Los Angeles-based purebred Troubadour's Golden Dawn appears on millions of Purina Dog Chow bags, as well as a Clarinex print ad and packages of Nylabone chew toys.

"Let me tell you, it is not easy being me," Troubadour's Golden Dawn said. "Do you know what it's like to have judges and photographers poking and prodding you all day long? What I wouldn't give to have a fun, playful family. I'd roll over and play dead to be able to eat Purina-brand Dog Chow, instead of that all-natural, vitamin-flavored concoction I have to choke down."

"And believe me," the 3-year-old golden retriever added, "you don't want to get me started about what it feels like to have to compete for jobs with that nippy little blond bitch on the Puppy Chow bag."

A Day in the Life of Grotto Correspondent Amo. . .

     Here are a couple of high-value photos snapped this past summer out on Shelter Island by Grotto friend HWE III.

     After a healthy breakfast and reading six or eight different newspapers, Amo likes to get a little exercise:

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     Then, after a late-afternoon nap, it's time to hit the town for a party, oftentimes in costume:

 

How About This Enterprising Little Guy?

Sam, shoplifting seagull

     A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

     The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

     Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

     The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

     Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

Inspector Clouseau Must Be Vacationing on the North Shore. . . .

     This red version of the Silver Hornet was parked in the vicinity the other day:

 

Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic

DALLAS — A western honeybee measuring barely one-quarter of an inch in length and weighing approximately .03 ounces triggered panic among a gathering of six fully-grown Homo sapiens during a picnic at Davis Park on Monday, witnesses reported.

"Where is it—where is it?" said 44-year-old general manager Charles Freid, who has been described by his coworkers and business rivals as  "ruthless," after the bee happened to fly in his general direction. "Get it off me! Is it on me?"

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Dallas' Davis Park on Monday afternoon, still abandoned hours after the bee enounter. Inset: the bee.

"Jesus!" added Freid, screaming and flailing his arms as he raced to his car, got inside, and locked the doors.

The college-educated humans, all of whom are not allergic to bee-sting venom and possess both cerebral and muscular capacities several orders of magnitude beyond that of the insect, proceeded to retreat in abject fright from its half-millimeter stinger, which, when used, causes a twinge of discomfort followed by mild irritation and kills the bee.

According to entomologists at the University of Texas at Dallas, the Apis mellifera was most likely trying to pollinate a nearby cluster of dandelions and was not, as alleged by 50-year-old attorney Georgia Sakko, who has twice endured the pain of childbirth and successfully battled breast cancer, "out to get us."

"Don't make it angry—don't make it angry!" Sakko said. "Is it in my hair? I feel something in my hair. Somebody get it out. Get it out!"

Airline pilot Mike Grunwold, 49, who is approximately 1,224 times the size of the bee, said that he was "certain" the bee had landed on Sakko's back. Fiber tests on Sakko's clothing later found no traces of a bee's presence, but did reveal a small piece of lint and matted hair that may have resembled an insect at a distance and in certain lights.

Civil engineer, marathon runner, and Gulf War veteran Scott Fogel, 39, briefly attempted to use force against the bee's non-aggressive actions, waving it away with a paper plate. After accidently upending a container of potato salad, which caused the bee to suddenly swerve, Fogel leaped back several feet and dashed for cover behind a trash can.

"They're attracted to sweat," Fogel said. "It makes them want to kill. Just try to keep as far away from it as you can."

After the bee seemingly disappeared, the humans—members of a species that has crossed an Ice Age land bridge from Asia to North America, domesticated the wolf, built the pyramids, and landed a manned vehicle on the surface of the moon—walked cautiously back to the picnic area.

"I think it's gone," personal trainer Marcus Weller, 32, said. "Thank God."

A few seconds later, the bee emerged from an overturned Coke can, prompting the humans to scream and retreat once more. They opted not to return to the area, abandoning several hundred dollars' worth of food and picnicking equipment. The brutalized parkgoers characterized the day as "totally ruined."

The bee, which was reportedly never more than vaguely aware of the presence of other living organisms besides the blooming plants it sought, eventually returned to its hive without incident.

Check Out This Family Photo. . .

Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

December 10, 1996

NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a New Rochelle-area pantsuit.

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The ass.

According to a study released Monday by the activist group PantsWatch, the pantsuit, a Jaclyn Smith-brand outfit purchased in 1992, could suffer irreparable damage within the next six months if the ass expansion were to continue unchecked.

"The current ass expansion rate is nearly double that of last year. Containment of the emergent assosphere is becoming less and less viable," PantsWatch's Brent Klarman said. "This ass must not be allowed to destroy vital stitching. We can not idly stand by and allow this ass to continue its relentless growth beyond the already-allocated fabric zone."

Among the study's alarming claims are a 40 percent increase in seam stress, a 23 percent rise in chafing and bunching, and a devastating 48 percent drop in pocket space resulting from excessive ass increase.

"At the current rate of ass expansion, fabric integrity will likely be breached by September 1997," the report concluded. "This is ass mass acceleration of astronomic, catastrophic proportions."

"Proper ass containment requires a careful balance between ass-space allocation and pants availability," said Greg Hemming, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Trouser and Legwear Conservation. "Once that balance is shifted, an ass can cause irreparable damage to its environment, taxing a pantsuit's stitching, elastic band and fit beyond its capacity to adapt. In some cases, when a pantsuit's resources are strained past the limits of feasibility, it can no longer accommodate the increased pressures of the changing ass. In a worst-case scenario, riding, binding and severe seam rippage can be the result."

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Hemming also warned that once an ass breaks free of the confines of its enclosure, there is often no stopping it.

According to conservationists, making matters worse is the rare nature of the pantsuit.

"This is a four-year-old pantsuit, so it is unlikely that it would be replaceable should it burst," said Pat Wallingford of the activist group Asspeace. "If these pants become no longer viable as a clothing option, the owner will most likely have to supplement her wardrobe with a more contemporary design. And this rare pantsuit will be lost forever, gone the way of the passenger pigeon."

Making matters worse, Wallingford said, is the fact that many laws mandating ass containment measures are in danger of being repealed due to pressure from powerful pro-ass lobby groups, including AssNow! and Asslamic fundamentalists.

"These groups aren't concerned about preserving the nation's pantsuits for our children," Wallingford said. "All they care about is profits and ass expansion at any cost."

The pantsuit, which was recently placed on "protected" status, faces its most serious crisis since Thanksgiving weekend 1994, when rescue workers were rushed in for an emergency button-opening procedure.